ambidextrous · + · clandestine

seventeen is about miracles. ♥

and i am only halfway through.

to do list
-math b regents
-physics regents
-graduation
-july is for us. and me. and rebirth, maturity, strength.
-counting blessings.

Thursday:
+Still trying to convince Latin teacher to transfer extra GPA points to next semester.
+Philosophy on the stairs with my former English teacher. Why does this happen every Thursday after Animal Rights Club? Me do not know. However, me shall enjoy it.
+I think I am learning to move on and let things go.
+ The guy from New Year's Day, who claimed to go to my school, does indeed go to my school and is cuter than ever. The best day at the library - ever. Ever. This was one of those rare times that I felt like I was gorgeous and irresistable, not the other way around.

Today:

I took a "How Has Your School Improved" Assessment exam which lasted six excruciating hours. Math, science, reading, the works. All with a little survey of, oh, about 200 questions about my school, half of which I felt unfair answering, considering I was lucky to have some excellent teachers in certain areas and some not-so-excellent ones in others. And for what? A certificate of excellence if you are one of the lucky few who reached a certain level on the test. Most people started bubbling in answers just because they wanted to leave. And I don't blame them one bit.

There was a positive note, however: I realized I am more competent in science and even math than I think I am. I've got physics and chemistry and earth science down. It's just biology that tends to screw me up a bit. It is ironic that grade-wise, I do better in science and math than in English, which is my natural subject. I suppose because I tend to work harder in areas where I feel weak in, but definitely have more enthusiasm for things like English and History. I'd rather analyze than solve, I'd rather observe than do some practical application. Everybody's mindset is different; everyone thinks differently, they learn differently, they see differently. But it's difficult for some people to understand that. They want to judge and categorize and quantify everything. They want to believe that there is some single thing that defines intelligence, when it is a combination of so many things on so many levels. Even grades are only a reflection of some combination of hard work + intelligence.

I had a discussion with my friend today about courses in high school: everyone has the potential to do well in a subject if they work hard enough. This could apply to college too, though I can't be certain (but my AP courses can attest to this theory, as well). Learning it is the easy part. Having the discipline to do it, however, is very different. But sooner or later you realize every single subject has some value; that the more you learn, the better, and the more you increase your general knowledge about the world. (I feel like a poster child for education right now, but it's true.)

I cannot believe how a tiara induces so many people to acknowledge my birthday. But I am definitely not complaining.

Best. Birthday. Ever. And this time, I cried for <i>joy</i>.

Oh yes.

part of a letter written to a friend:

i have met the same woman two times in the same week. i first met her on the bus when she heard me speaking of AP Econ. i told her how my mother doesn't want me to go away for college. she told me i have to pray. i saw her again today when going to the library. she told me not going away for college held her back greatly from pursuing a career in nursing, and the reason why she didn't go away was because of her mother. she told me my mother doesn't have faith and trust in me yet, but that i should keep praying and keep wanting to be independent no matter what. she told me that God had put her in my path again (literally and figuratively speaking) and that everything happens for a reason. at this moment you're probably chuckling and thinking she is nuts. for some reason, i am not so sure. lately i feel like everything in life is being foreshadowed and that events are just waiting to happen, events that are already determined for me. our latin teacher told us of the concept of faith being nonrational rather than irrational; there is a difference, since faith is not meant to be in the field of logic or intellect. it exists on its own without reason. God is too large to comprehend, to compartmentalize, to parse at all. but at the same time, my so-called logic laughs at me. still, i have an inclination to pray. she told me she will pray for me. she doesn't seem to be one of those Bible-thumpers, but rather a normal woman who believes in God. my life feels like it is a cycle - one minute there is this absolute belief, then the next there is a recession into nihilism, then again, this comfortable sphere where I can simultaneously believe in a grand design without having to confront the logic behind God. maybe there is no logic. maybe that is why there is a God, because we need something we cannot see or conceptualize. if it was tangible, we would ruin it with our imperfections. but we hold this Perfect Idea that harmonizes our whole existence, and we want to see beyond ourselves. and it's not a sad idea, God. it's not a bad idea at all. it keeps us sane during the day, to think of someone watching over us, fending for us, giving us pain, all for a reason. "as we get older, there is nothing." but is that so? if we continue to contrive meaning, how can there be nothing? if we continue to attempt to comprehend the incomprehensible, why can't we all be eternal philosophers, paving our own roads, gazing with wonder at everything we feel and see? maybe there is nothing; or maybe it is nothing we can see.